They were right. I made some significant changes in the past couple of months and the results are starting to show. The biggest change? I stopped texting and e-mailing with DA.
My therapist told me that any time I spoke to DA, it would be painful and fruitless. She urged me to simply cut off all contact. I wouldn't say I was happy, but as each day passed, the pain lessened. She was right and people have been noticing. I should have left well enough alone.
The concerns about the Christmas fair were brought to my attention. (let me state that there is a lot I don't want to discuss because any theatrical production will have it's share of drama and I don't need to add to it more than I already do). I thought it would make sense for DA and I to meet at some point and work out a set of reasonable boundaries.
Like everything with that man, it turned into a complicated clusterfuck. Because he misinterpreted an e-mail from me, he decided that I was shaming him and his religious practices. He took an e-mail of about 20 words and responded with over three paragraphs about how I maligned him.
I asked to discuss this e-mail in person or on the phone and DA absolutely refused. He said that our interactions are too negative. WTF, dude? I have seen DA two times since we broke up. The first time was our post-break up discussion. It went all right until he told me how good I smelled while he was hugging me. But the fact that broke me down is my fault and made the entire interaction negative. Right, because he crossed my boundary.
The second time I saw him, he was in a wretched space. His emotional state had absolutely nothing to do with me. It was due to the actions of another person the night prior. When I pointed this out to him, he told me that I was making excuses and that the negativity was my fault.
What the actual fuck?
The next day he apologized for drawing the wrong conclusions. He told me that he had read the entry that I mentioned in regards to his email. I found this to be really funny because DA proclaimed that he no longer reads my blog. (but I guess the one entry was for research purposes?)
There was another e-mail exchange. DA ignored everything I wrote. He completely missed the part when I stated: "...this is precisely why we need to stop communicating via text and spend time talking interactively. I think that your feelings that everything is very negative has been deeply colored by our online interactions and not by our in-person ones."
He responded this morning. It was the most frustrating and clueless e-mail I have seen from him and he's can be pretty thick headed. I think my "favorite" part of the e-mail was when he informed me that he probably couldn't see me this week, but could I do the emotional labor to propose what our friendship might look like. (I am paraphrasing.)
1) I never asked to see him this week. I'm busy.
2) He was the one who told me that we could not discuss a friendship.
The part that is the most frustrating is that I have asked, repeatedly, that we stop communicating via text or e-mail. When I saw him in person, even though things didn't go particularly well, I was all right. I didn't cry much. I wasn't upset for very long. In fact, the rest of my weekend was a lot of fun.
Between the texting and the e-mails the past few days, I have been fussy, agitated and stressed. It's awful. The worst was when I couldn't eat dinner tonight.
I took the break up rather hard and it destroyed my appetite. I would sit down to dinner, take one bite and be unable to eat anything more. It started when DA and I went to Disneyland and it was weeks before I could eat normally again. Tonight, it was the same old feeling and my dinner went untouched.
I wrote to DA and said it's either phone call or in person. No text, no e-mail. If that's too hard for him, then I will pretend like I don't know him and fuck it all. I am so done with this. I put my money where my mouth was and left a voicemail with a similar message.
Of course, I haven't received so much as an acknowledgement from him. But that's better than more texts or e-mails, so I will take it.
I don't want the online DA for a friend. He comes across as self-absorbed and clueless. He's high handed and demanding. It's always, "me me me". He never asks, "What would work for you?" I don't know if I want the in-person DA for a friend, because I can't remember the last time I saw him. I know I don't want the guy behind the e-mails and texts. He's an asshole.
I just hope that I can go to the christmas fair stuff and just not care. DA seems to have mastered the art of not giving a fuck about other people and their feelings. I wish I knew his secret.
I have been really getting into guitar players again and Stevie Ray and I go way, way back. So, he gets to be the soundtrack for this entry.
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