I thought about pulling it again. There is a certain satisfaction in the idea of preventing DA from reading and having the window into my thoughts. Then I remembered that there a people who are reading my blog who are not on Facebook. I pulled this blog because I was fussed and flouncy. I am just going to breathe and realize that there are things outside of my control and in the case of the blog, a thing I am choosing to leave outside of my control. If DA wants to read my blog, that's his business. I can write with that in mind or I can just expect him to enforce his own boundaries.
This is relevant because DA and I had our in person conversation. It was 90 minutes. My husband was aware of when and where we were meeting. We met at a park and I brought my dog for emotional support for both of us, which bless her, she did rather well. There was an agreed upon agenda and we mostly kept to it. Telling me that DA and I should not have met will not be helpful. I feel much better and more stable than I have for weeks. It was what I needed to find some closure and I appreciate that DA was able to accommodate and answer that need. I am well aware that he did not have to meet me.
We didn't fall into each other's arms. We didn't have a cat fight. For the most part, it was a reasonable discussion. Having met in person, I am confident that we can both share space at the upcoming Christmas fair without having to go out of our way to avoid each other. I believe that I do not need to see him between now and the beginning of rehearsals for that to be possible. (I don't promise, but my initial feelings upon getting home and in the hours since support that theory.)
One positive outcome was that I finally figured out something concrete about why the relationship is broken. I had not been able to put it into words, but DA stumbled across it inadvertently. We both brought up the word relationship and DA complained that my definition of the word could mean friendship, romantic partner or acquaintance and he was never sure which I meant. I retorted that his actions toward me were similarly confusing. There were times when he treated me as his romantic partner, sometimes I was his friend, and there were times when he barely gave me the consideration of an acquaintance. I never knew from day to day where I stood on the relationship spectrum. It's no wonder that I was going crazy during the last few months of our relationship. Imagine not knowing what the status of your relationship was on a given day and then finding out that your partner was adding more people to the mix?
In the follow up text conversation (which I totally admit was a violation of everything I have been trying to accomplish) DA complained that I had not been considerate of his emotional state toward the end of our conversation. He says that he warned me during our conversattion that he was not doing well. He told me that he warned me that he needed to end the conversation. I did nothing to prevent him from walking away. He chose to park next to me and not wait until I left before walking to his car. I walked away from him on a couple of occasions and he chose to catch up to me and continue. (I did not storm away, but I gave him space and opportunity.) I also didn't do anything to prevent him from continuing the conversation, but I am not going to take responsibility for his boundary issues. He could have walked away. I am not his ex, I have always backed down when he has told me that he feels that we are making a public scene. I have never followed after him and yelled at the top of my lungs unlike both of his exes whom I have witnessed causing public scenes.
On the other hand, DA didn't seem to notice how I was feeling. He didn't notice when I was crying (or if he did, he didn't say anything). He didn't notice when I started walking away from him, I did so deliberately. He didn't notice that I was focusing on getting my dog packed up and was not talking to him. He came over to my car and was waiting for me to finish with my dog; then he resumed talking to me.
That is why the in-person conversation was so useful for me. I realized that I am not the horrible person who always crosses his boundaries. I did not physically restrain him. If he needed space from me, all he had to do was not follow me. Yes, I should not have texted him, but given that I ended up speeding away because I felt the need, I am going to give myself a pass. I used the texting as a safe way to tell him that he made me uncomfortable (although I didn't realize that was what I was trying to tell him, because I was still processing.)
To be perfectly honest, DA did not do anything provocative. Tell that to my amygdala, which had been on high alert since we started walking to our cars (we were parked next to each other). I did not tell DA to stop following me or yell at him (because I don't like public scenes either). I just tried to put some distance between us. I guess I was wrong to let him catch up.
DA said that there was no "fixing" our relationship. No, there isn't, not as long as he thinks that his needs are more important than everyone else's. That's what made seeing him in person so helpful. This wasn't the first time that he saw me upset and then complained that I wasn't considerate of his emotional needs. However, he couldn't blame me or my actions. I haven't seen him for a month. Anything that is wrong in his life is his own fucking problem. He did not have to see me today if he was not up to it. (He wasn't, which he didn't tell me until the conversation started going poorly. All he told me was that he wasn't up to discussing a friendship, which was not on the agenda.)
Normally, I would not post such a raw and naked entry. I had actually planned not to write about the two of us meeting at all. However, someone has been checking the blog about every 30 minutes since our meeting ended. Since that someone (or someones) is so interested in what I am thinking, I wouldn't want to disappoint them.
I know I am a wonderfully positive and supportive friend. But if the well has been poisoned, it is going to take some work before it is "fixed". The first thing is to understand that you can't complain that the water is undrinkable, especially if you were the one who poisoned the damn thing in the first place. You can't empty a well. you have to stop pouring in poison and you have to counteract the poison already dumped. If you don't do both, the water is still going to be bitter and unpalatable. I don't think DA gets that he poisoned the well, so he has deal with unpotable water for a while.
My metaphor made today's song an easy one.
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