The stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I hit Anger tonight and hit it hard.
I do not use the word hate lightly. It is not an emotion that I am comfortable with. I find the idea that someone has caused me so much grief and pain that all of my feelings for them are negative to be a wretched place to be. It is very rare that I hate people, I am far more likely to feel indifference.
Thankfully hate is usually a temporary condition for me; I really can't be bothered to sustain it. The other two people I hated just have my pity now. They say that the best revenge is living well. I am so much better off without those two people in my life and I can see it.
Tonight, I told DA that I hated him. Well, I texted him. I just wanted to figure this fair boundary stuff out. I wanted a conversation, in person or over the phone, to discuss it. I wasn't asking for a friendship. I wasn't asking for a deep in-depth examination of our feelings. I wanted a functional dynamic so that we could coexist in a shared venue.
No matter how many times I tried, I was unable to get this idea across to DA. It felt like any textual interaction, whether it be e-mail or text, was misunderstood and/or misinterpreted. I tried. When DA misunderstood something in my e-mail, I explained it to him. I gave him time and space to figure out whatever it was that was troubling him and made it so challenging to talk to me. I tried to be respectful and understanding.
The e-mail I received on Sunday was more of his same bullshit. I snapped and I translated it back to him as I experienced it. I tried to get him to understand why it was impossible to communicate if I couldn't read what he was writing as it was intended, but in the worst possible context. I don't think he got it. Maybe he thought I was being a bitch.
I asked him tonight, via text, if we could please just talk? He hemmed and hawed and then he said that if he could talk to me tonight, he'd let me know. He told me that I didn't know what he was going through.
That's when I went from frustration to rage. I am fucking done! I am tired of being asked to wait while DA gets his delicate little feelings in order. I have better things to do. I don't know what he's going through? Poor baby. He chose to pursue a relationship with someone and in doing so he trashed his relationships with the only two people who had been putting up with him. He just figured out that he was an asshole and that assholes don't have friends? (I don't know what is going on with him. I hope that his family is all right and that he hasn't found out he has some horrible health issues.) However, since he hasn't told me "what he is going through" I am left to feel acrimony after what he put me through.
I am not proud of this next part, but I had been pushed to my limit for too long. I finally just let loose in a way that I have actively tried to contain. I am sure DA would tell you how I have been verbally abusive in the past, so what do I know?
I quoted something his director said and then I used it to stick the knife in deep. I am recording this incident to remind myself that I can and do let my anger get the best of me. When I lash out, I intend to cause damage and I mean for it to be emotionally fatal. Whether or not my attack actually lands or just ends up looking pathetic and sad doesn't really matter. This is a behavioral flaw that I am working on, to express my anger is acceptable ways. If I can't express it, then I should walk away from the situation and not engage.
This is what I texted to DA:
"We can do [DA’s “show”] without DA. We have done it before. Your request for boundaries is perfectly reasonable. Requesting not to have that conversation via text or email is also reasonable. Let me know if I need to take steps.”
(The above was a conversation with DA’s director and I took it way out of context.)
That’s ALL I want to discuss
and
NO you haven’t answered my questions, discussed it with me or in any way addressed my concerns.
I don’t want your pity or your excuse for friendship. I want you to get the hell out of my fair. If I can’t have that, then I am setting boundaries.
DA, I hate you. I really and truly do not give a rat’s ass what is happening to you.
So if you won’t talk to me, I will ask [your directors] to intercede. I’m sorry if you feel threatened, but I have been trying to have this discussion for over three weeks. And the reason I hate you is because what should have been a 20 minute conversation about my fairly simple needs has been a three week dick around about your profound emotional problems.
Get some help, act like a grown up and quit trying to avoid the problem. I won’t back down again. I’ll just let the directors know that I have hit my limit. You can deal with them.
Thankfully, I contacted my director before I sent anything off to DA's directors. My director talked me off the ledge. She asked me what I wanted to accomplish. I told her. She suggested that I write DA an e-mail outlining my requested boundaries and CC her on the message. That way a director was involved and aware of the situation without it turning into a drama fest, which I was close to starting.
I wrote the e-mail. I started off with an apology. I crossed a line and I know it. I said as much. Then I outlined some basic boundaries that mostly had to do with me staying out of his space and him staying out of mine. He doesn't have to talk to me at all. He can simply tell my director that the boundaries are all right (I don't think I asked for anything onerous) and that will be that.
I probably should have figured this idea out three weeks ago. I will totally admit that I was hoping that if DA would actually sit down and have a conversation, we might be able to clear up what was between us. That will probably never happen. DA treated me horribly. There is no excuse for that. I have treated DA horribly and there is no excuse for that either. The best thing to do is just leave each other alone.
I have no reason to initiate contact with DA and that can only be a positive for me. I can't recall the last time I had an ex where there was such shared antipathy and animosity. Strike that, I have the animosity. I don't know how DA feels. All I have is his actions and they speak volumes. None of it is positive.
The only upside is that I am not doing too poorly. I ate dinner and I did get some sleep. I woke up at 3am from troubling dreams. I am hoping that writing this out will help me let it all go and move forward. I am hoping that now that I hit anger, I can get to acceptance. There was no crying, no break downs, and the pain is dull. Mostly what I feel is relief that this is off my plate and wondering why I thought that contacting DA could ever be a worthwhile endeavor.
Spotify served up this song. I am very lucky to have some wonderful "real friends". However, this does a good job of explaining how I am feeling about DA. I thought I was a real friend to him and now I am finding out how little my feelings matter. He's so caught up with whatever he is going through that he doesn't seem to understand that other people are hurting too. And to paraphrase a friend of mine, we all go through shit, but that doesn't excuse us from our obligations. "I am going through stuff" is not an excuse to put someone off for three weeks.
(Edited at 0900 for grammar and word choice. I also added that I did include an apology in the final e-mail.)
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