"I've been in love and lost my senses..."

“The things we dislike most in others are the characteristics we like least in ourselves.”

― Marian Keyes, Rachel's Holiday
 
I maintain a presence on Fetlife. I am not actively seeking any connections at the moment and frankly that isn't what the site is for. That said, I still get approached from time to time by people who are interested in getting to know me. In some cases the interactions have been incredibly positive, such as the lovely person I met from Massachusetts. In other cases I meet people who think they are into kink but are actually just people with control issues.

I believe that I met such a person a week ago. He came on very strong, writing me incredibly long and rambling messages about how amazing he thought I was and how compatible we seemed to be. When I challenged him about this, he just said that he was very enthusiastic to meet someone with whom had so much in common. I was concerned but I agreed to meet him in public and go for a walk around a park. In person, he was pleasant and forthright. I didn't feel much of a click, but I didn't dislike him either. We agreed to meet again this week.

He texted me yesterday and his messages came across as passive and whiny.  He complained that I didn't message him over the weekend. He asked if I had a change of heart. I was surprised, because I told him during the walk that I had recently ended a long term relationship. I texted back that I couldn't have a change of heart, I really didn't know what my heart wanted and I thought that I had communicated that to him. He had a schedule change and had to cancel on me. Then his schedule changed again and our meeting was back on. However, I am honest about something I had already told him and I had a change of heart? Gah!

I now understand, like truly and fully understand, how annoying and aggravating it is when I make assumptions and go on and on about them. That is what this guy did to me yesterday. He assumed all sorts of things about my emotional state, my availability as a romantic partner, and a number of other things without asking me for actual information. When I pointed that out to him, he doubled down and not only told me how I was feeling, but how I should feel.

So to DA and everyone else I have ever done this to, I am really sorry. It is really fucking horrible and I will try to never, ever do it again. You might not benefit from this revelation, but I have finally learned how frustrating it is to talk to someone who does this and will not ask for actual information. The other thing that this guy told me is that I should have my husband and then one other person in my life, because that is the only way poly should be done.

Now people are welcome to have their own ideas about polyamory, but telling me how I should live my non-monogamy and what I am expected to give up? "Thank you for playing, please collect your participation prize as you leave. No, I am not interested in friendship. Bubye!"

Yesterday I spoke about how much I gave up for my previous relationship. I would like to emphasize that whatever DA's flaws might be, I don't think he is a controlling asshole.

• He never isolated me from my friends or made me feel guilty for spending time with them. 
• He was very willing to meet my friends and family and introduced me to his.
• He is always good about accepting blame when he fucked up. (I feel like he could do more to improve and change his behavior, but if anything, DA blames himself for things that he isn't responsible for.)
• We rarely, if ever, argued about finances. 

 I might have chosen to isolate myself, but looking at the past few years very carefully, DA never insisted that I spend time with him. He never threatened to end our relationship if I wanted to make plans with other people.

To be honest, I played brinkmanship games when DA started seeing Primary. When the two of them called me on it, I tried to be aware of it and I tried to find new ways to express my frustration. I made  similar threats when new girl came along. However, in my defense, I wasn't trying to control DA, I just wanted him to treat me in a way that I felt was equitable. When I felt that he was unwilling to do that, I ended the relationship, it wasn't a game to me, I was just done. I just did the same thing that I felt new girl did to him. He chose her. I am not sure if that makes me a controlling asshole or just a chump.

I never wanted to isolate DA. I may not have liked his relationship with Primary, but I did try to work with her. We did not get along, but she and I did try. New girl refused to meet me, although I did offer more than once. I don't know if she met Primary, but I know she hadn't when DA and I were still speaking on a regular basis. I think new girl didn't want to see us as real people. (That is an assumption on my part.)

I encouraged DA to join me in social activities. That is one reason that the Christmas fair is such a big deal. I spent two years encouraging him to participate before he auditioned. I wanted him to make friends and have people that shared his interests. I felt that having just Primary and me was not healthy. (He has long distance friends; I agree that they are supportive, it's just not the same as having someone you can grab a drink with.) The cast that he joined is one that I do not have close ties to.

So this guy I met yesterday, I have seen his type. I have met too many of them. I can see a guy like this telling me that I am not allowed to reschedule our time. That's what started yesterday's text conversation. He needed to change things and that was perfectly acceptable. I couldn't meet yesterday at a time later that we originally agreed and I was having a "change of heart"

He already seemed upset that I didn't check in with him over the weekend. I could see him telling me that my male friends (of which I have a number) are only interested in one thing and that I shouldn't spend time alone with them. I can see myself ending up isolated and alone and feeling like I can only rely on him within a few months of starting our a relationship. Well, I can't see myself doing that now. But I remember that is where my second husband had me within a few months of us dating. I didn't see it as controlling then. I thought he loved me

The tragic thing is that all of my friends tried to warn me when my second husband and I got together. I didn't listen. I ended romantic relationships, withdrew from friendships and devoted my entire life to my second husband. (To be fair, I ended relationships, I didn't string anyone along.) My second husband traveled a lot. Instead of using that time to expand my social groups or doing the things I enjoyed, I somehow spent most of my time at home, waiting for the hour or two I could spend speaking with him. It took seven long years before I realized what I had done. I was fortunate, I had friends who stuck by me, in spite of who my second husband was and what did to me and my children.

Do I know if this guy I spoke to yesterday is actually a controlling asshole? I don't. However, having been married to one. Having seen my relationships ruined by controlling assholes, I don't need to stick around and hope for the best with this guy. I am trying to listen to my friends when they tell me that they don't like someone I am dating. I am trying to be more objective. My friends expressed concern about my relationship with DA over two years ago. I didn't pull away from them and I tried to listen and adjust the relationship accordingly. However, I probably should have listened to them and left sooner than I did.

I don't expect that DA will listen to me any more than I listened to my friends. I have told him that I don't think much of someone who comes into a person's life and isolates them from all of their friends when they know that they will be leaving in a few weeks. I don't know if new girl is a controlling asshole. I can only make assumptions. However, I am basing those assumptions on what I experienced toward the end of our relationship and my own history:

• I believe that she tried to make DA feel guilty for spending time with Primary and me.
• I believe that she avoided meeting his friends but expected him to meet hers. 
• A number of things that he related to me made it sound like she was justifying her actions, even though said actions violated her own stated rules.
• DA seems isolated from all of his local friends.
•  I asked him about his support network, he mentioned new girl, who is currently in another country and the two other friends who are in different time zones.

However, I have given up telling DA any of this stuff. He doesn't seem to believe that what I am saying has merit, so why keep harping? I doubt that I have anything of value to offer DA. I don't have anything good to say about new girl, especially given what it did to our relationship.

I have no wish to leave him isolated and alone, but I remind myself that he isn't my problem and he doesn't want my help. I didn't listen to my friends or the person I dumped when I met my second husband, I don't expect him to think that what I am saying is useful or valid. So, when I want to contact him and ask him how he is doing, I remind myself that he didn't act like he cared about me or my feelings; I don't need to care about his.

I have done what I can to keep the one social outlet I could impact untouched. I made sure to tell the Powers that Be that I had no problem with him participating in the Christmas fair when I was recently asked (and I know friends have confirmed that for me). Beyond that, I guess I can hope that I am wrong about new girl or that it doesn't take him seven years and a child to learn how much damage a controlling asshole can do to your life. (Especially when you have to deal with said asshole for another 11 years as a co-parent.)

As for me, I don't know how long it will be until I meet someone else or what I will be ready for when. However, I know that I will be the person who decides when that will be. It will not be someone I have just met. I don't need any more controlling assholes in my life.

Today's song just felt right for me, I didn't want a "breakup" song. I miss dancing with DA and seeing the look in his eye. It will be a long time before I think I will find someone I enjoy dancing with as much, if I ever do.