We hung out in the kitchen for a while and she spoke about her new life. She said she's very happy because she has real friends now, people who support her sobriety and her new perspective. She also said something else that got me thinking today. How do you face people after you have truly fucked up?
Depression, anger, substance abuse, stupid choices, whatever it is, I think we all have moments when we did something profoundly stupid that changes our lives forever. I know that from my own experience, I have made some truly epic mistakes and I have seen others make them too.
I am not kind when those choices negatively impact me. Without going into specifics, I will say that I believe that 2nd Hubby made a spur-of-the-moment choice that is still affecting him. That choice, made while he was on a business trip, ended our relationship. I have never been sure if 2nd Hubby realized that until he got home.
However, it wasn't just our relationship that he lost. He lost the respect of just about everyone one we knew. He lost our social group. He lost most of the people he thought were his friends. I did not have to take any action to make it happen. He just dug himself into a hole. Instead of admitting to anyone that he screwed up and asking how to fix it, 2nd Hubby just ran away into his misery. Some six months later, he finally came to ask for help and forgiveness, it was too late. I had no motivation to help him, not after everything he put me through.
I never went out of my way to isolate my second husband from the social groups we shared. I even left one so he could have it. However, what I believe my 2nd Hubby never understood is that he was an asshole that people put up with because I was always quietly helping him navigate social situations. After we split, he found out that without me, he was not terribly popular. He invited himself to things. He dropped in on people without notice. He made assumptions and expected to be treated like the golden boy he had always been.
When he met the woman who is his current wife, that was beginning of the end of any shared social groups. I know that they have social outlets, but there is not one social circle where I have to see either of them. We have only one mutual friend, all the rest chose one or the other (he got one, I got the rest). Given how many things 2nd Hubby and I still have in common, I am still surprised that I don't run into him more frequently.
To give some perspective, my first husband and I, who were together a much shorter time, run into each other a few times per year. We have a number of friends, acquaintances and social groups that we still share in common (like the Christmas fair, where is current wife is a director). I think the main difference is that I was the one who screwed up. I admitted it. I faced it. And I tried to deal with the consequences that came up out of my choices. I didn't run away, and I have faced those people, year after year. Yes, I lost some friends and there have been times when I have been very, very angry. But in retrospect, I am glad to have been through that. It was worth the growth. Who knew that all that time in Alateen and Al-Anon would pay off?
My cousin is doing the same. She is talking to her family. She is talking to old friends. She is trying to admit her wrongs and make amends. I don't truly believe in the whole 12 step model anymore but "Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all." seems like a very good way to stop hiding and face up to those poor choices I have made.
I suppose the best thing I have learned is that the longer I put off facing my poor choices and avoiding consequences, the worse the fallout. There are times when I feel pity for my 2nd Hubby. I wonder if he has understood what I brought to his life and what he lost when he drove me away. However, now that our son is grown, I rarely think about him. I imagine that if we had not had a child together, I would have forgotten him much sooner.
I suppose it is never too late. My cousin is recovering from over 15 years of substance abuse and the shit that goes with it. We still love her all the same and while we are cautious. we still forgive her.
When my Uncle Paul was still alive, he liked to play with music production. He would make us cassettes of his remixes. Today's song is one that Paul shared with all of us, but especially meant for my cousin. I think my uncle would have dug the Weezer cover.
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