So I am going to start out by saying that yes, this involves DA. However, I can't really blame him. I believe that he meant everything sincerely. I really do. So while I am angry at him about this stupid boundary shit, I am not upset at his response. I am upset that we live in a society where that response is considered thoughtful. He responded the way I have seen many men respond in similar situations. I call it, "There is emotional labor and I expect you to do it. Further, while that is a declared boundary and I respect it, said boundary doesn't apply to me this time."
I crossed a line on Monday night. I admit that. I apologized and I addressed the problem within an hour. The reason I was angry was because DA refused to talk to me on the phone or in person about setting up reasonable boundaries for the upcoming fair. I had tried to explain that e-mails and texting weren't working. I tried to explain that I just wanted to clear up misunderstandings. I tried.
I crossed the line when I threatened to talk to his directors and twisted the knife.
My director and I came up with a solution. Without any input or effort from DA, we proposed boundaries. Simply put, DA and I will avoid each other and if we see each other, we'll civilly move on. This was the very thing I was trying to prevent. I didn't expect DA and I to be fast friends. I was hoping that we would be able to at least be courteous enough to each other that our mutual friends wouldn't be made uncomfortable. (Remember, my best friend is his roommate.) This is what I meant by "functioning relationship".
I wrote up very limited boundaries because, while draconian, at least it will avoid unnecessary drama. I guess our friends will cope.
DA wrote me back and his email came in while I was teaching. That was the first problem. I have told him that every e-mail and every text hurts. Just seeing his name gets my heart pounding and sets off my anxiety. I have requested, many, many times that he not e-mail or text me. I have been trying not to contact him during work hours. I want the same courtesy returned. It's not that I am not owed some texting payback for texting him at work. However, he is not in front of a room full of students. It didn't occur to me to block his emails so as I was teaching, his email popped up on my watch.
The content of the e-mail was very simple: the proposed boundaries were reasonable and he hoped I was feeling better.
Really?
The boundaries that two people had to work on because he couldn't be bothered were acceptable to him. My anger was a temporary snit and after a good night sleep and time to think about what I had done, I would be feeling better? My only option was to propose that we have no interactions for a period of nine weeks and so he hopes I am feeling better? No, asshole, I do not feel better. I am hurt and frustrated that he can't even figure out that he shouldn't e-mail me during the work day, much less that I have asked him not to e-mail me at all. Of course, that boundary didn't apply to him.
His e-mail felt so condescending and clueless that I had to take a walk as soon as class was over.
I am angry that I live in a society where a man does no emotional labor, acts like a self-absorbed child and then gets to magnanimously accept that he won't have to deal with me at all because I will make sure that his visage isn't tainted by my presence.
Maybe I am wrong, but I feel like I am doing him the favor. I brought him to fair last year. He dumped me a couple of months ago. Why is it too much to ask that he accommodate my feelings and needs, provided they are reasonable? Oh right, because I am his ex and I am a woman.
*shrug* I know I have to let it go. So I e-mailed him back. I told him to talk to my director about any boundary particulars. Then I told him that he is not to text or e-mail me again.
DA will probably miss this, but I didn't tell him he couldn't talk to me. I feel that most, if not all, of the problems with our relationship can be traced to not talking in person. I can't fix our relationship, but I can refuse to engage in the thing that I think has ruined it.
The one upside is that no contact for 38 days and then trying to pretend that the other doesn't exist for nine weekends should significantly reduce the number of DA entries. God knows I am done with writing them.
Back to my guitarist kick, I'll let the late Tom Petty provide the soundtrack to today's entry. Given that I am being petty, it is more than appropriate.
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