"Rachel, what do I do now?"

I had an interesting epiphany last night, it was about my name. I've never been particularly fond of my name. Rachel was desired by Jacob, so much that he was willing to work for 14 years for her. I always said that my name should have been Leah, since she had poor eyesight and was always second best to her younger sister. I never felt pretty enough to be called "Rachel".

Last night I realized that my mother didn't give me the name Rachel because it meant beauteous. She gave it to me because Rachel was desired. My mother's name is Helen. She knows what it is like to be saddled with a name that means beautiful and not think that you are worthy of the name. She would have never done that to me. Names mean a lot in my family, they are chosen carefully either for meaning or to honor a member of the family (or both). My mother and father were telling me that I was a child they desired. They really wanted a girl, they never settled on a boy's name, but they chose my name three years before I was born. I realized last night that my mother is glad that I am still beloved and desired and with a man who has been willing to spend 14 years with me and has gone through a number of trials and tribulations.

This got me thinking about my middle name, Deborah. While I don't think I was meant to lead armies, I know that my mother was hoping that I would be graced with some wisdom and would be respected, even though I was a woman.

I was reminded of my name, pardon my full name, last night when I was talking to a friend about Rosh Hashanah. It was the usual question, how did a catholic girl end up with such a Jewish name? This started a good chat about atonement and why I don't celebrate the holiday. While I don't really practice the Catholic faith, I still try to use the Lenten season as a time of reflection and consideration on the wrongs I have done to myself and and others. I think that the act of ask for and granting forgiveness is an important one. It is also something I really need to work on.

I am starting to think that I should go back to adding the middle name that my parents gave me, at least informally. When I took my mother's maiden name, I kept my father's name for the middle. I suppose it was my way of forgiving him for the wrongs I feel he did and appreciating that he is my family too.

Today's song is an easy one, since this is the only Rachel song I ever heard on the radio.