"You don't really want it any more from me..."

I was a data analyst before I went into teaching. As a teacher, I still use a lot of data. I have always found there to be a certain beauty in data structures and while I am not usually a detail oriented person, tables and graphs of data occupy my ADHD brain in ways that few other things do.

This is a mixed blessing. Google tracks certain kinds of data and makes that available to users, including a tool suite associated with advertising and page views. It did not require much on my part to exploit those tools to provide me with the sort of data I wanted.

I am not tracking IP addresses. I usually cannot track an individual's behavior. However, as I have told DA directly, when he reads my blog, he leaves a significant footprint that is hard to miss.

When I see that particular footprint pinging my blog, I suspect it is him. DA shares my love of data and information. I am posting publicly, so looking at my blog isn't a privacy violation. I am sure, if he were communicating with me, he would assure me that he no longer reads my blog and that I am being crazy. (Except when he has told me that he reads.)

I do not want to think like this. It's speculation and innuendo. I think that is what is sticking in my craw, I have enough information to suspect, but not enough to know.

I am not looking for solutions, I am bitching. DA has stated that our in-person and telephone conversations are too negative for him to endure and has refused to even schedule a time for discussion. I feel that his e-mail and text conversations are inconsiderate and thoughtless of anyone but him having feelings, so I have refused to engage in them.

Instead, there is a one-way channel here, that he can read or he can avoid at his discretion. I am trying very hard not to utilize it, but I know me and I know I am human. I write with the knowledge that DA is likely to break down and read the blog at some point.

I have played around with other blogging possibilities, but there are two reasons I haven't.

• I will not let my ex take my blog away again. 
• He made me feel unsafe when he told me that Amber (his current partner) read through all of my entries. He said it like that was acceptable behavior on her part.  
• He defended her actions since she found it through a public facebook post, which makes it all right. 
• He justified her actions as her trying to gain some compassion. (No, you moron, she used the information against me and rather effectively. Note how we stopped communicating?)
• It's my damn blog, if I end up posting diatribes to him every day, it's my business. (The fact I would lose readers is a different point.)

I am trying to figure out what I want to write about Keto and the one thing that has been staying my hand is that I don't want DA to know anything. It's none of his fucking business. I only want to discuss something this private to people who actually care about the information, not stalker ex boyfriends who are too cowardly to talk to me, but refuse to let me go (allegedly).

How I, a child of the 80s. have not invoked this song is beyond me. Today's choice was too obvious, but I am going with it.