Yesterday I was approached on Fetlife. Because I disclose my STI status on my profile, my asshole quotient remains fairly low. However, there are always people who don't read or otherwise miss the message.
I had such a fellow contact me yesterday. He told me that he thought we would have a good connection. When I asked him what he meant, he didn't answer, he just restated how great our connection could be. When I straight out asked him about my status, I got crickets.
As a teacher, I want to educate people, to help them learn, improve or just not be a dick. I have learned that in cases like this, it's a waste of my time. With this guy, I didn't bother. I told him off for wasting my time and then blocked him.
I believe that people need to do their own problem sets. I can give a student the answer, but the majority of people need to experience something in order to learn from it. Giving a person the answer doesn't just interfere with learning; many people will actively refuse to consider the advice of someone who cares for them and has experience.
In the case of the guy yesterday, I want to yell at him, "You dumbass, all you are doing is guaranteeing that the women you "connect" with will abuse and use you. If you don't treat them with respect, how can you expect respect to be reciprocated?"
I know that a person like that is unlikely to listen, so I stopped bothering. I just clear people like that out of my life as quickly as possible.
I know that I can be a know-it-all. It's part and parcel with being a teacher. However, there is nothing that frustrates me more when someone I care about refuses to consider that I might actually know what I am talking about. There is letting someone do their own problem sets and allowing them to learn. However, I don't want to make someone go through hell in the process.
It is especially frustrating when someone has taken my advice, found it valuable and then decides to stop listening to me because I don't always agree with them. If they felt that my advice was worthwhile when I suggested how they improve a relationship, why is it no longer useful when I tell them that they need to take a step back?
I know that people don't always want reality from their friends. I certainly have been guilty of that. But if my friends are kind enough to give me advice, I try to listen. People see things that I can't and while I don't always agree with what I am told, at least I try to test my beliefs against what they tell me.
I don't expect some stranger who pings me on Fetlife to trust me. I am deeply hurt when someone whom I have given consistent and useful advice decides to cuts me out of their life. A good student or friend should expect to be disagreed with, sometimes. Instead of arguing about how I am wrong, I think a confident person can take my observations and make their own conclusions. In return, when someone tells me that my observations are based on incomplete data, then I should ask to be given more information or be willing to leave the subject alone.
I feel it is the height of cowardice when someone ignores a a person who has shown that they care for them without doing either, without communicating. When a student does it to me, I worry about them and I have to decide whether or not to contact their family or a counselor. When a friend does it, I have to decide if I should push or walk away.
I have made all sorts of stupid choices in my life, decisions that my friends have told me, in no uncertain terms, are wrong. I didn't always listen and yet these people are still my friends. They didn't abandon me, even though I pushed them away and ignored them.
However, the guy who contacted me yesterday was not worth my time. That was an easy call. However, when it comes to other friends, I have to wonder if I shouldn't make a similar choice and just not bother. My advice isn't good enough for them, so I should just stop offering it.
Is this about DA? Not really, although I suppose it applies to him. This is about someone I thought considered me a friend. Instead of talking to me directly, they are poking sticks into lion cages and seeing if it gets a rise. I feel like it's because they know the advice I would give and they don't want to hear it. I did my best to be understanding in the past. At the moment, I just don't have the patience.
People just feel so far away, so that's the song for the post.
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