I didn't suddenly decide that I wanted to quit the Christmas fair. I won't deny that there was stress involved, but my rage has been a long time in coming.
Let me go back a bit. The two weeks prior to my birthday, DA put me through hell. I saw him once and we had an awful fight. I really should have canceled our Disney trip and gone with my friend. I didn't, instead I foolishly kept our plans. The trip was pretty good. However, the day after we got back DA fell back into his old habits and said something incredibly hurtful and then doubled down and made it worse.
That pushed me past my endurance. I broke up with him.
We met, in person, a few days later. We didn't agree to get back together, but we did agree that after some time, we would meet and discuss what happened and decide what relationship would work best for us. We agreed to some limited communication.
A few days later, over text, DA explained that the only future relationship option was a friendship, that a romantic relationship was likely off the table. This was non-negotiable. (So much for a discussion.) I snapped and texted a number of nasty things. DA cut me off and told me to go away. I did.
We met a few weeks later, after a period of no communication. The idea was to discuss things going forward. To make sure we stayed on topic, I shared the following agenda with him:
1. [Christmas] fair - I would like us both to be able to participate and enjoy the fair.
2. Misunderstandings and misconceptions - I want to tread very carefully here. I don’t have any interest in bringing up old fights or wrongs. I just want to understand a little of why we ended our relationship when we did.
3. #2 probably spins into what you meant about regret.
4. No matter how #2 or #3 go, I would like fair to be a safe space for us both.
That’s what I hope to get out of our discussion. You are welcome to share this with your partners. I wrote this out at [my husband’s] behest with his advice.
It wasn't a discussion. DA declared that he had already informed his director that he would returning to the fair.
I didn't get angry, he had agreed to meet with me after all. I smiled and I said the right things. I said it was a big fair. I said that I had dealt with exes there before, and that I would be fine. Then DA told me that Primary would be also participating in the fair and that she would be dancing with the English Country dance group. This also meant that the ex of DA's, the one that stalked me and was an ass last year, would also be returning. I would like to note that this puts Primary and the asshole in fairly close proximity to my usual stomping grounds. It also makes seeing a couple of my favorite fair buddies difficult.
So, it was not exactly a productive discussion. It felt like DA telling me hurtful things and upping the ante with each sentence while I tried not break down. I ended up crying. I tried to move topics to a more productive discussion, DA explained that he was emotionally bereft. So, anything I wanted to discuss wasn't relevant, because he was too upset. He didn't tell me this before we met or before he piled a bunch of social anxiety crap on me.
Let me be clear I didn't force the meeting time or date. All I did was ask to meet. If DA had been honest and said, "Rachel, I really can't talk, it's just been an awful few days. Can we meet next week?" I hope that I would have thanked him and scheduled a time for the next week. I don't know because he agreed to meet me when he was in a wretched emotional state.
All he told me before he met was that he said that he wasn't up to discussing us building a friendship. I didn't want to discuss friendship. I wanted to discuss what was on the agenda, which he received before we met. If I had insisted that we discuss resuming our relationship, I would have only had myself to blame. However, I did my best to stick to my agenda.
I left the meeting with things even more unresolved, but I hoped that with time, we could try again.
I let things be, figuring that we could talk when DA indicated he was ready. I tried to be patient. After a while, I finally poked him saying, "Hey, your roommate is a dear friend, your other roommate is someone I miss. Is it all right if stop by your house (not for a visit but for pick ups and drop offs and such) because this is getting awkward? Also, is it possible that we could get together and talk?"
DA responded yesterday that of course it was all right if I was briefly at the house. He then said that while he did want some sort of relationship with me, he was still struggling and felt that any discussion would be better if he could have some more time to stabilize his mental state.
That is when all of my good will, consideration and understanding crumbled. DA and I were together for over three years. He destroyed our relationship and our friendship in less than two months. He was thoughtless and inconsiderate. Because he could not be honest with me or himself, he caused me pain while promising me that things would get better if I would only give him more time. I gave us a possibility to at least build a friendship and he ruined that by lying to me about his relationship with new girl. Three years of being understanding of his inexperience and fecklessness and he dumped me and then lied to me.
Fine, there is fault on both sides. Relationships break up and people move forward. I have been doing my best. If you know me, the amount of latitude and space I have given to DA has been considerable. I have not been near his house, even though he lives with one of my best friends. I have not gone near any of his social venues. I haven't asked him if he is doing this or that thing. I just don't go to this or that thing. I don't call. I don't e-mail. I don't text. I have left him alone.
I encouraged DA to participate in the Christmas fair in the past. He has known me through three of these Christmas fairs, he knows how important it is to me. He has seen the work I have put into my character, my workshops and into participating in general. I don't mean to be territorial, but I have put 14 years into the fair, he has only participated for one.
I didn't expect DA and I to suddenly become close friends, sharing secrets and confidences. However, dealing with my ex from seven years ago is a whole different animal than dealing with my ex that dumped me only a couple of months ago. Yes, it is a big fair. Yes, we can avoid each other. However, why do I have to do that at all? Why do I have to give him entrance to my happy place? How does this benefit me?
I didn't fuck up our relationship. I didn't use him to enter into a new hobby and then dump him. He chose to go with a new person. Why can't he spend time with her and her friends? It is not my problem that his current girlfriend is in another country. It is not my problem that he has no local friends. He fucked up his social group, there are consequences. One of those consequences is that the Christmas fair is not a given activity because the person who got him into the hobby is the person he stomped on.
DA benefited from our relationship and now I want something in return. I have no idea what his problems are. I don't fucking care, because it isn't my problem. I have been waiting since June to resolve the issues between us. I am done waiting. If I have to deal with that weasel being at fair, I want some resolution. He didn't ask me before he decided to take up with new girl. He didn't ask me before he decided to trash our friendship. He didn't ask me before he decided that he would participate in the fair again. I am tired of getting railroaded.
Workshops begin in 43 days. I wasn't asking that we get together this weekend and spend 10 hours talking. I didn't ask for anything specific. I simply asked if we could start working on rebuilding a working relationship before we were forced into close proximity for 9 straight weekends. DA has had months to either come up with a different hobby or find the bandwidth to address our relationship and resolve it. I don't think it is asking too much to request that in the next few weeks we work toward something more constructive than periods of long silence broken up by e-mail fights. (Fights that wouldn't happen if he would quit reading my blog and actually communicate with me.)
I won't deny that I have said some truly horrible things to him. Three years trashed in ten weeks will do that. I suppose asking him to see me, after I agreed that I was all right with him at fair, could be seen as blackmail. Really, I didn't intend to say, "Talk to me or I will quit."
What I wanted to say, what I have been trying to fucking say since this all started is that DA was a valued part of my life. I shared a great deal of myself with him. Losing him has hurt a great deal. I have been struggling to leave him alone and get on with my life without him. I thought I would be all right doing the fair if he were there. I realize, over a month before workshops begin, that I need something more from him. I made a request that I thought was reasonable.
I didn't ask for X number of hours, and Y number of mea culpas. I understand that my request could easily turn into an exercise in emotional extortion. I should know, DA is a fucking master at extorting emotional support from people and I have been one of them. So, trust me, I have no problem with him setting boundaries. I have demonstrated by my actions and my words that I will abide by them. That's more than I can say for him.
Instead of asking questions or setting boundaries, his response was his usual non-answer and delay tactic. I am tired of being gaslighted. I am tired of being treated like my feelings don't matter. DA ended our relationship, that's fine. I don't have to like it. But if he wants me to be considerate, then I feel it has to be reciprocated. If he is going to insist on doing the fair, then he can accommodate me so we can have a productive and useful conversation and make a plan that works for both of us.
When I expressed those opinions, his answer was to tell me that he would leave the fair. (I got that message after I posted.) Well, gee thanks, he would rather quit doing the fair instead of meeting me for a face to face. What the hell did I do to DA that was so fucking horrible? And the problem is that if he quits the fair now, then it is my fault that his director will have to replace him after she was already assured that it wouldn't be a problem. Way to make me look like the asshole.
That's what I meant when I said that I would quit. I didn't balk when he said that he was going to do the fair. I confirmed that I would be all right when I was asked by the directors. If I am unable to follow through, then I should be the one to leave, no matter how much time I have put into fair. That is what responsible adults do. However, before taking that step, I did another thing that responsible adults do, I asked to discuss my concerns with the other party and see if we could negotiate a compromise.
I suppose that is what I get for being reasonable.
The song isn't perfect. I don't want to be together until the end, but I did feel that way and I am paying for that now.
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