"I feel a little more like something dear was lost..."

I have been really productive at work. I got all of my quizzes graded. My TA and I logged all of my donations. I have my next few weeks organized. I know that my focus at work has been greatly improved over where I was last year.

However, today has been a meh. Why? Because, I miss my friend. I don't miss the drama, the fighting, the pain, not getting my work done, or the frustration. I miss my friend. I don't know why it is hitting me harder today. Maybe because I am settling into the school year. Maybe because the things we often discussed have been in the news recently. Maybe, because it's been over a month since we stopped communicating on a regular basis. Likely it's because I am stuck at school until 7:15 and there isn't much to keep me distracted and so for the first time I have time to remember the good stuff and miss his company.

I know that I am tired of processing (as I am sure are you, even you in Brazil). I know that I just want things to go back to normal, except I have no idea what normal would look like. I know that I still want to talk with my friend, the way we used to.

I won't deny that there was a lot of limerence or NRE involved in our relationship (at least on my part). That said, I don't think that our relationship was only about getting my serotonin and dopamine jollies. (Referring to something I wrote in an earlier comment on FB.)

I spent the past three years creating an emotional relationship with DA. I connected with him in a way that I don't usually connect to people. Not men, not people who have a penis; I don't connect on this level with most humans. When DA saw the front I usually show people, he pushed past it. I think the reason that this hurts so much has very little to do with sex, limerence or the man in the moon. I think it's because DA was the first person, in a long time, to get me to open up and consider my emotional core.

Now I remember why I don't like relationships that get emotional. I am a raw wound and the person I want to talk to about it is not available. All that everyone else seems to say is that I have to give it time and let myself heal. I imagine that isn't what people are actually telling me, but that seems to be all I hear.

Yes, I am doing better. No, I am not hurting as badly. But that connection, the one that I worked so hard to accept and allow into my life, it's gone and I don't know why. I don't understand why DA would spend so much time forging an emotional connection with me only to drop it and walk away. I feel like I missed something somewhere and no one will explain it to me. He doesn't fucking care anymore just doesn't seem like the right answer but it's the only one I have.

Comments on my blog have made me feel like people think that DA was just another one of my obsessions.  They feel pity. They think I am just being silly for being hurt. NRE doesn't last three plus years for me. My stupid might be endless, but these feelings were caused by more than a new shiny. I think there was something more.

I can't say I blame DA for staying away, it is probably the wiser course. It's just not my way. As I was saying in a prior post. If I have to sit on emotionally difficult things, then I deal with them my way. I excise, sever and cut and I am brutal. I don't like to deal with emotions. If I can't process through them, I wrap them up tightly and throw them away.

With that thought in mind, I think I want to avoid any more posts that are about DA. I don't think I have anything new to say and it's time I just give up and quit trying to process. I lost my friend and everything else he was. That's what he must have wanted and so I don't get to want anything different. (Forgive me for sounding pathetic and sad.)

I was listening to Leftoverature by Kansas and this song hit way too close to home.